Should You Support a Lazy Kid?
As a parent, I try really hard to never judge other parents because I hate when people tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing to raise a child. You never know someone else’s personal situation, so it’s best never to make assumptions about how awesome or poor parenting skills might be. However, I can’t help but notice a seemingly alarming number of teens or young adults recently that really have no goals and pretty much do nothing, relying on Mom and Dad to support them long after Mom and Dad should be enjoying an empty nest. My daughter is only six, so I’ve got a few years, but I’m already wondering how does a kid end up with no motivation? How far should parents go to support their children when the kid puts forth no effort of their own?
I have a neat job where I get to see many families annually over the course of several years. In a small town, you kind of get to know people and what their kids are involved with and hope to become. Sometimes, though it’s disappointing.
A few months ago, I had a teenager who came in with his Mom for an exam. My tech does some pre-testing before I see the patient, and we’ve seen just about everything over the years. However, this kid was maybe the most rude person we’ve ever had. When asked how he was, he said he thought it was stupid he had to be here. When asked what grade he was in, he said he didn’t go to school. When asked where he worked, he said he didn’t. Seeing a pattern, my tech asked him what he did with his time if he didn’t work or go to school. The kid said his Mom was trying to get him sent to juvenile detention, but couldn’t.
After some investigating, I found that he had been expelled from one school, so his Mom moved to another district. He was about to be expelled from that school when she threatened to sue for discrimination if they kicked him out. As a result, the school assigned a special education teacher who sits with this kid all day because he is too disruptive to be in a classroom. I guess they will keep him until he’s old enough to drop out or age out.
The other case is a sweet girl I’ve seen for over a decade. She is now 21. Her Mom and Dad are hard workers and good people. Mom came in a while back, and I asked about the daughter. She said that she had tried school, but dropped out and now lives at home. She refuses to get a job and has no idea what she wants to do with her life. The daughter came in this week. I asked her what she had been doing lately, and she said, “Nothing.” I asked if she had any plans. “No.” I said that must get boring sometimes. “Yeah, I guess.”
What Happened in a Generation?
I am not saying that my generation works any harder or is more motivated than anyone else. You can look at all the millennials and Gen X’ers in the blogosphere and see that is not the case, but when I was young, one of two things happened. You either finished school and went on to college then got a job, or you got a job right out of school. I’ve know people who have lived with their parents, but they got a job. Do you see a common theme here? J-O-B
I realize that the job market has not been amazing over the last few years, but I know there are various service industry type jobs, at least in our town, that are always hiring. The wages might not be much, but at least you aren’t sitting on the couch watching the Kardashians or playing Angry Birds all day. Even if you have no idea what you want to do with your life, you can at least participate in society and help out Mom and Dad in the process.
What’s a Parent To Do?
Again, not trying to judge, but if you complain about your kid’s laziness while you feed, clothe, house, and basically take care of all their needs, how do you expect they will ever have a desire to support themselves? I believe if I were ever faced with that situation, this is what I’d do. If my kiddo wants to live with me after the age when she should be trying to make it on her own, I doubt I’d kick her to the curb, but I’d have a few rules.
1) Pay for Rent and/or Utilities-She could pay us rent to live at home. If she was working toward a degree or earnestly looking for a job and needed to save up money, I wouldn’t make her pay, but if she just wanted to be lazy, there would be no free ride.
2) Pay for Transportation– She could pay for gas and upkeep on our car if she wanted to use it.
3) Be Productive– I would not let my grown child sit around and do nothing all day. If she wanted to live with me and didn’t have a job, she’d have to spend the days looking for one, helping me with house hold jobs, and/or improving her skills in some way. If she didn’t want to go to school, then she could start learning a foreign language or how to use whatever technology is available then. She could volunteer for a charity. Anything besides being a lazy couch potato.
4) Be Ready to Evict– I can’t imagine having to tell your child to get out, but I think if there is never that treat, the kid might not ever develop any motivation. You have to practice what you preach. I bet the kids in my examples would not last two seconds on their own, and being in the real world might motivate them really quickly.
Hopefully, we will set high expectations and good examples so our daughter will never know the option of being lazy, but if we fail, I hope to look back on these ideas someday so that I’m not supporting a lazy adult/child.
How far should parents go to support kids who don’t want to support themselves? Could you kick out your child if they refused to become and adult? Any young people care to comment in defense of their generation?
I see this all the time, and I have mixed feelings. A large part of me just wants to say “don’t be an enabler” and teach them some life lessons, the hard way.
But I love my kids so much.. I can’t imagine ever letting them go hungry or experience true hardship. Luckily I have a few years and hopefully my influence will permeate to the point to where they want to be self sufficient.
I moved out of my mom’s house when I was 18 and started covering my expenses immediately. In fact, I covered all my gas and entertainment expenses since the age of 16. I NEVER asked for money from my parents and just managed to get by the lean times.
Then there is my brother — 17, works on and off, demands my mother do everything for him and pay for everything. I truly don’t understand how the two of us came from the same household and have such wildly different levels of motivation.
My opinion is a bit harsh. Kids should be out of the house and paying for their own stuff by the age of 21. There is nothing wrong with being a little broke in your first few years of adulthood, mommy and daddy don’t need to support you.
This is an interesting debate, especially because I have found my older brother to be similar to the children you’ve described above. I think parents are doing their children a disservice by giving them everything, but they want to give them those things to “help them” find work and motivation. I think it’s important to instill the concept of working for something at an early age to make sure that attitude never develops.
I was an active kid, I liked to play outside, I liked to be out with friends. However I was kind of a lazy teenager. I liked to sleep until noon and it drove my mother crazy. She would try to lure me downstairs early in the morning with her chocolate chip pancakes.
I remember hearing a news story about parents in Italy that had to get the law involved to evict their 41-year-old son. I guess tenant protection laws unfortunately make it difficult to get rid of an ungrateful child!
I have an aunt who is going broke enabling her 34-year-old daughter and it drives me bananas. You don’t have to let your kid take advantage of you! I think in the case of my aunt she feels she failed as a parent so she has to keep letting her daughter (and grandson) live with her rent free.
I am not a parent yet but I am a believer in teaching your kid personal financial responsibility and making them responsible for paying for things themselves. That means that unless my future kid was heavily involved in extra-cirriculars AND maintaining an excellent GPA, I would not be paying for car insurance or any cell phone plan above a basic voice plan. I had to get a job to pay for things and I would pass that same tradition onto my future kids.
Lazy kids won’t stay in my house. Period. Obviously I would try and work with them and see if I can motivate them-but, if it’s obvious that they are mooching off of me, then I’m kicking them out of the house…with LOVE. Because by the time my kids are old enough to be young adults I’ll be too old for that sh$t. Also, I will have worked hard as hell to be successful. It will be my success and they will benefit from it but there are no free rides in my house. Period.
I’m sure it’s much easier said than done, but I would hold my kids accountable and make sure the take some responsibility as they grow older by asking for them to pay for the cell phone bill or a portion of groceries.